humor – Page 7 – mylifeiswear.com

Posted on May 19, 2017 by mylifeiswear.com · 2 Comments

“Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, You’ll Never Be Bored” Part 2

When we arrived in Charlotte, we rented a car to get around town. Early the following morning, we were up before dawn and pulling into the gated community of my old apartment complex. It was still dark out as we waved the pass to activate opening the entry gate.

SCRAPE!

“What the hell was that?” I asked.

We both got out of the car to inspect.

Great. John had hit the cement barrier that was there to guide cars into the entry of the complex.

The side of the rental car was scraped and covered in yellow paint from the cement post.

“I’m sorry, it’s so dark I didn’t know that I was that close. We’ll have to take it to a body shop.” John said.

“A body shop? We can’t afford that!” I replied, “Let’s just go and see how much stuff is left in the apartment. We’ll deal with the car later.”

We climbed the steep stairs to my third floor apartment.

The sun was starting to rise as I unlocked the door. There were boxes, lots of boxes…pictures, lamps, some furniture and of course, the boys beds.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. This is a lot of stuff!” I said with a sigh, “There’s no way that we can move all of this by ourselves.”

I had an idea. I shuffled through my purse and located the business card of two guys, that had previously moved a couch for me. It was a long shot with little notice, but thankfully they were available to help.

Okay, at least that was settled.

Now all we had to do was pay for the rental of a moving van, pay the movers, help them by running up and down steep flights of stairs while taking the smaller items to the van in order to save time…

And have enough money for gas to drive the moving van back home to Connecticut and to pay for one night at a hotel room to break up the drive…

Oh, and repair the rental car before we returned it.

What were we going to do about that?

Stay tuned for part 3

To find out what happens next.

My Life I Swear

Posted on May 19, 2017May 25, 2017 by mylifeiswear.com · 4 Comments

“Johnny, Johnny, Johnny…You’ll Never Be Bored” Part 1

When John and I first started dating, my dad’s best friend, Jack, shook John’s hand upon meeting him, looked him right in the eye and stated with a smile, “Johnny, Johnny, Johnny…you’ll never be bored.”

As I reflect on our last five years together, I have to admit that truer words were never spoken.

While some couples spend countless nights staring at the television or watching Netflix, John and I live a life worthy of a prime time reality show.

Don’t believe me?

My son Kevin always says, “There’s no lack of material here.”

So, I’m going to try to recap some of the highlights…

John moved from Long Island, NY, and I moved from Charlotte, NC, back to Connecticut. It was never our intention to live together, it just worked out that way. John was unable to find an apartment with his bad credit score and I was unable to find an apartment that would allow pets. Eventually, John found a place for me, my sons and our dog Max, on Craigslist.

My father hired movers to relocate all of my belongings from Charlotte, NC to Shelton, Connecticut. The day that the moving truck arrived I was elated. Unfortunately, the movers had cracked my flat screen television and dropped my new dryer off the moving van. If all of that wasn’t bad enough, the movers left half of my possessions in North Carolina.

My dad asked one of the movers, “Where are my grandson’s beds?”

“We didn’t bring them.” The mover stated, as his eyes remained directed at his frayed sneakers.

“Are you telling me that my grandchildren have no beds?” My father, a generally gentle, kind man, bellowed an inch from the movers face.

“Ed, calm down. Not good for the old ticker.” my mother piped in.

I sighed, are you kidding me? I thought, this move cost three thousand dollars and my kids have no beds?!

Suddenly, my phone rang and I struggled to fish it from the depths of my purse.

“Hello?”

“Michael fell and broke his collar-bone. We’re headed to the hospital.” My ex-sister-in law blurted out in a panic.

“I’m on my way.” I said, as I hung up the phone.

John and I left in a flash. My nephew was hurt and I had to get to the hospital, bed or no beds.

Michael had x-rays and his collar-bone was reset. Upon leaving the hospital, we failed to remember where we parked our car in the parking garage (which wasn’t half as bad as the valet parking attendant threatening to have my ex-sister-in-law’s car towed while she was with her child in the ER) but we managed to find our vehicle after fifteen minutes of circling the parking garage on foot.

Michael was okay.

My kids needed beds.

My dad was pissed off.

The next day, John and I jumped on a plane and set out to my apartment in North Carolina to collect the rest of my belongings.

Stay tuned for Part 2

You will not believe what happens next.

And yes, apologies to my family, I’m disclosing all of it and it’s going to get crazy.

My Life I Swear…

Posted on May 16, 2017May 16, 2017 by mylifeiswear.com · 1 Comment

Through A Series of Unfortunate Events…

Through a series of unfortunate events, that went something like this…

My ex-husband leaves his dog Jax, with his ex-sister-in-law who is now no longer able to care for the dog… (long story that I won’t disclose because it’s not my business)…

And even though I am struggling to provide for my own family (that’s 5 of us), plus our dog, Max, and our cat, Mitzi…

After being out of work for six weeks with no income, due to an injury to my knee…(another long story)

I am now the proud owner of yet another dog, Jax, who is also male…

And our dog Max is feeling slighted and territorial with another male dog in the house. Our cat Mitzi is completely freaked out…

During the worst tick season ever…(You know what this means if you read my post, “I’d Like to Check You For Ticks”)

And did I mention that Jax tried to mark his territory, as did Max, which ended in a territory marking stalemate…

And everyone seems oblivious to the fact that this is not my responsibility and the last thing that I need to add to the mix right now.

Yet, in the end it is always me that comes through.

Even in the case of:

My Life I SWEAR!

End of rant.

Posted on May 12, 2017May 12, 2017 by mylifeiswear.com · 11 Comments

Ode to Taylor Swift

It started out as a joke.

“Mom could I just stay home from school today?” Rocky asked.

“No.” I replied.

“Why not? Just this once?” Rocky begged.

And this is what came out of my mouth, “In the words of Taylor Swift, cuz you don’t know what you don’t know!”

“What?” Rocky bellowed, “Don’t quote Taylor Swift.”

I laughed.

I have also found that there are plenty of situations that I could bestow some of Taylor Swift’s powerful insights into life onto my growing boys…ya know, seeing that it was so well received.

Like the time that Kevin was teasing Marc…

“Mom tell Kevin to cut it out!” Marc demanded.

I quickly replied

Kevin stopped harassing Marc and said, “Mom, stop quoting Taylor Swift.”

“Yeah mom, it’s so annoying.” Marc chimed in.

Through the years it has become a joke in our house. The boys say something. I reply with a quote from Taylor Swift, met with an eye roll, a sigh, some laughter and an in unison demand…

“MOM, STOP QUOTING TAYLOR SWIFT!”

I mean, I would but there are so many song lyrics that seem to fit any occasion.

I would boys, I really would, but…

Love you,

Mom

Posted on May 10, 2017May 10, 2017 by mylifeiswear.com · 4 Comments

“How Many Pounds Did You Win?”

I have to say that I was feeling pretty bad about myself after putting on a few pounds over the last six weeks.

Until one of the chefs at work asked me, “How many pounds did you win? Four? Five?”

I laughed.

“How many pounds did I gain?” I replied, “I’m not sure.”

“Oh, my God!” The chef said, “You look great!”

So, I’m just going to go with that.

Instead of mentally beating myself up for gaining a few pounds, I think I’ll just go with…

“WINNING.”

Curvy Girls, I got your back!

Posted on May 10, 2017May 10, 2017 by mylifeiswear.com · 2 Comments

Where Are You? It’s Late.

I spent the last six weeks in bed recovering from a torn, ACL, MCL, meniscus and a stress fracture down my right shin. In that time, I have finagled my bills, worried a lot and took myself to the depths of despair.

I am yet to have surgery, but went back to work to bring an income into my household. After returning from work tonight, John and I decided to just get in the car and grab a little alone time.

Ten missed calls later, on each of our phones, I received a text from my teenage son that read, “Where are you, it’s late?”

Are you flipping kidding me? Do you understand how many nights I cried in my pillow worrying about your safety and your whereabouts until the sun came up?

I have spent six weeks in bed, and just for the record, I haven’t had a vacation in 5 years and it is blatantly obvious that I never go anywhere.

Where in the world do you get off telling me that I’m late?

I appreciate the concern, but my teenagers have led me to the total brink of destruction and have no idea the heartache their actions caused.

Wasn’t it only last week that I added a Silver Alert to my unknown bucket list which included:

A visit to my home, from:

The DCF

Channel News 12

A Military Investigation

The local police

And, well can I say…It’s never boring here…by any means.

So, before any of my son’s put out the Silver Alert on me, just know that I am home safely and I just wanted a little breathing space.

And, just for the record….

Sorry I’m late.

Posted on May 8, 2017 by mylifeiswear.com · 7 Comments

Happy Mother’s Day – Toddler Style!

You know what’s so great about being a mom? Well, everything, of course…but Mother’s Day is our day! A day that we are finally recognized and celebrated for all that we do for our children, day after day, 365 days a year.

No matter the age of your children, it is always heartwarming and interesting to see what they will come up with to show you their appreciation for all of the bandaged knees, nights without sleep, skipped showers, car pools, sporting events and emergency room visits that you have endured over the past year.

I love the hand written cards, flowers stolen from the neighbor’s garden (Yes, that really happened…and she was pissed) and all of the kind childlike gestures that kids come up with to give you a gift on their zero budget.

As I reflect on my Mother’s Days past, I recall the year that I taught Marc how to wrap a present. Marc was an eager student and a quick learner…this resulted in Marc’s new obsession, wrapping gifts to perfection! I was amazed by all of his effort and by how precisely he was able to wrap a gift at such a young age. Of course, Marc enjoyed gift wrapping so much he took it to the next level, wrapping anything and everything that he came across and giving it to their respective owner while he watched in delight as they opened it. “Oh, MY toothbrush! Thank you Marc!” I would say, smiling as I held back my need to laugh.

This idea of Marc wrapping up a family members own possessions and standing, grinning in his own satisfaction, while they unwrapped it, went on in our home for about a year. All of us played along lovingly until we were unable to find household items that we used daily. All of this resulting in a rise in our stress levels throughout the day.

“Mom, do you know where my mouthpiece is for hockey?” Rocky bellowed.

“I don’t know. Ask Marc if he wrapped it?”

Needless to say, I received my own costume jewelry, wrapped to perfection, as a gift from Marc for Mother’s Day that year.

Yet, I would have to say that my most memorable Mother’s Day took place when Kevin was a toddler. At the time, we had two dogs, a golden retriever named Lerxst (Please don’t ask about the name – Okay, I’ll tell you. My ex-husband lied to me and said that was what the breeder named him. Actually, years later I came to find out it was a nickname given to one of the members in my ex-husband’s favorite band, RUSH. Whatever. Enough said.) and an adorable wheaten terrier, named Taylor. (You guessed, I picked the name Taylor, he was a rescue dog from our local pound.)

That Mother’s Day, I was sound asleep, enjoying the comfort of my bed. I guess Kevin was up bright and early with his two sidekicks, Lerxst and Taylor in tow. I never even heard any commotion in the kitchen so I was surprised to open my eyes to see little Kevin standing next to my bed with a tray bearing some food and and a drink.

“Happy Mother’s Day Mommy.” Kevin said with a smile.

My heart melted.

“Thank you baby.” I smiled, as I gave Kevin a big hug and a kiss.

It was then, in the dim early morning light that I notice that Kevin was covered in peanut butter.

“Eat it mommy.” Kevin said.

I glaced down at the tray balancing on my lap and stared at one of the most unappetizing sandwiches that I had ever seen.

The peanutbutter and jelly were oozing and the bread was crooked. I picked it up and slowly lifted to towards my mouth…wait…is that hair?

Luckily, the motion of lifting the sandwich was enough to convince Kevin that I was actually going to eat it. He was off to play in a flash.

I moved the tray, slowly got up and walked towards the kitchen. My intuition was already telling me exactly what I was about to find.

There on the kichen floor was a cutting board, a butter knife and four slices of bread remaining in a bag that was an entire loaf when I went to sleep the night before.

And Lerxst seemed to really be enjoying the peanutbutter…

As was Taylor…

Needles to say, I didn’t eat my Mother’s Day Breakfast but I loved all of the thought and effort that went into it, as did our dogs.

Whatever your Mother’s Day brings this year, cherish the moment, the memories and know that you are loved and appreciated for all that you do.

Have the Happiest of Mother’s Days!

Erin Cooper Reed 🙂

Posted on May 6, 2017May 25, 2017 by mylifeiswear.com · 8 Comments

Breastfeeding Is NO joke! Or Is It?

When I was pregnant with my first child I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. Breastfeeding is a personal decision. Still, friends, family and co-workers often express their opinions for or against your pronouncement. Research shows breastfeeding provides ideal nutrition, giving your baby the perfect amount of vitamins, fat and protein needed to grow.

Breast milk contains antibodies, helping your baby fight off bacteria and viruses, as well as, lowers your baby’s risk of developing allergies and asthma. Plus, babies who are breastfed exclusively have fewer respiratory illnesses, ear infections, and digestive problems including diarrhea. They also experience fewer trips to the doctor and hospitalizations. Being able to give all of these benefits to my child sounded great to me, and I was eager to get started breastfeeding after Kevin was born.

Thankfully, Kevin took to breastfeeding like a Champion.

Daily, my ex-husband would return from work to find me nursing Kevin. He would kiss each of us on the head and ask, “How was your day?”

“Fine.” I’d reply, “And yours?”

“Great!” My ex would excitedly state. “I stopped at Bob’s after work and ate dinner there.” (Bob was a coworker. My ex and Bob commuted daily, taking one vehicle, to save on gas.)

I asked, “What did you have?”

“Chicken Marsala.” He replied, “It was AMAZING! Candice is such a great cook… why can’t you cook like that?”

“Oh, I don’t know… because I spend most of my time nursing, pumping, changing diapers, cleaning, doing laundry and throwing together a quick meal,” I replied. “All on very little sleep. I’m exhausted.”

The following day was more of the same. My ex came home bragging about Candice’s lasagna.

The next day, her home-made mac & cheese.

The day after that her delectable country fried steak with white gravy and mashed potatoes.

And of course, her secret recipe, spaghetti sauce.

A week passed, as the list of Candice’s fabulous meals grew.

Like most new nursing mothers, I spent my time worrying if I was producing enough milk, storing enough and if my son was getting enough to eat. I had questions.

My ex made the suggestion that I have Candice over to give me some insight, after all, she was a mother of three children.

After some convincing, I reluctantly agreed. I’ll admit, I was a bit intimidated by “Candice the breastfeeding wonder and professional chef.”

Candice agreed to come over and give me a few breastfeeding tips.

The next day, I prepared a nice lunch and awaited Candice’s arrival.

Candice did give me some great breastfeeding tips.

It’s normal for breastfeeding to hurt a bit in the beginning.
Your nipples may crack.
Lanolin cream is a great moisturizer for your nipples.
Your breasts maybe be sore. A cabbage leaf in each side of your bra works wonders.
Breastfeeding takes patience and a lot of practice.

I was appreciative for all of Candice’s help but I was about to find out her biggest breastfeeding tip of all!

As I cleared the kitchen table, Candice said, “I use my breast milk in all of my cooking.”

“Really?” I inquired. “What kind of meals do you cook using your own breast milk?”

Candice replied, “You know, all of my sauces, gravies, mashed potatoes, even my macaroni & cheese.”

I tried to hide the grin on my face and the fact that I couldn’t wait until my ex got home from work.

That night over dinner, my ex asked how my lunch with Candice had gone.

“It was great!” I replied, “I learned a lot about breastfeeding.”

“Like what?’ He asked.

“Well, mostly it’s normal to experience all of the things that I’m going through.” I said.

“Did you happen to get any cooking tips from her?” He asked with excitement in his voice.

I replied, “Actually, I did. In fact, Candice said that she uses her own breast milk in ALL of her recipes.”

My ex almost spit his dinner out on his plate.

“You’re kidding, right?” He asked.

“I’m being totally serious,” I stated. “All of her sauces, gravies, mashed potatoes, mac & cheese…”

My ex didn’t finish his dinner that night.

He also never complained about my cooking again.

I can still picture the look on his face when I think about that day and it always makes me laugh out loud.

Do you have any funny breastfeeding stories? Share them in the comments below.

Posted on April 26, 2017May 3, 2017 by mylifeiswear.com · 29 Comments

This Is Why I Blocked You On Facebook

It has taken me most of my adult life to get to the point where my three teenage sons have accepted my friend requests on Facebook.

I’m not sure if this is a major victory or a daily reminder of my greatest defeat. Tonight my son Rocky posted a heartfelt message that went something like this:

“Idk how people can just kick friends and family out of there life’s over stupid things. I fear losing the people around me more than I fear death. I could never do it.”

To which I replied on his Facebook page.

It’s their lives, not there life’s. Just sayin.

Rocky immediately sent me a private message:

“This is why I block you from my Facebook.”

What can I say? I am a writer and I want my children to learn proper grammar. Is that too much to ask?

Maybe so.

Actually, there are plenty of reasons to block people on Facebook.

Here Are The Top Ten Reasons To Block Someone From Facebook:

1. The Selfie King or Queen – Okay, I get it. You love you. I just really don’t want to see a picture of you at home, in the car, at the mall, trying on shoes, having a drink, smiling, making a resting bitch face, fluffing your hair, straightening your hair, wearing your sunglasses, not wearing your sunglasses, etc. Document your entire day for yourself so you can see how great you looked in every moment. Personally I don’t care.

2. The Relentless Foodie – I’m pretty sure that I like to eat just as much as you do. I just don’t have the need to share it with the world. Your breakfast looks fine, as does your lunch, mid-afternoon snack and your dinner. I get it. You love food. Did I mention that there are children starving not only in Africa but right here in the good old USA?

3. The Hypochondriac – You’re tired. You’re crampy. You have the flu. Your sinuses ache. Your doctor hasn’t called, just called, wants to see you. You feel like shit and you can’t stop talking about it. I’m not heartless but there really isn’t anything that I can do. Update your status when you’re feeling well for once. That would be a welcomed change of pace.

4. The Work Out Nut – Thank you for recording your every footstep you take on your Fitbit and posting it on Facebook. If I ever need to find you I’ll know every moment that you spend at the gym. I’m so happy that I didn’t miss the selfie on the treadmill and the photo of you covered in sweat.

5. The Democrat/Republican/Liberal/Independent Looking For A Fight – Unbeknownst to you, I am really okay with whatever opinion you have. That is what makes you an individual, that is also what makes the world go round. The truth is that you just like to stir things up and your goal is to get under someone’s skin and really have it out. Facebook wasn’t created to be a political platform. Sorry to disappoint you. To each his own. I’m seriously okay with that. Just respect that other people feel as passionately about their stance as you do, and that’s okay. Please just let everyone be.

6. The Trouble Maker – Facebook is not a venue to destroy people’s lives. It is not the place to out your sister-in law about having an abortion, to bully someone, embarrass them or try to destroy their lives. I have seen it all. ENOUGH SAID.

7. The Stalker – Just because you knew someone in high school, worked with them 15 years ago or ran into them at the grocery store last week, doesn’t mean that they want to interact with you everyday on Facebook. If you keep private messaging someone and they don’t respond, they probably don’t want to talk to you. This would be obvious to most people. For those of you that don’t get it, reread #7.

8. The Bragger – We get it. You have been there, done that, achieved it, purchased it, traveled there and you just happen to have the most accomplished brilliant children in the world. If we ever need to experience ultimate perfection we can certainly visit your page.

9. The Total Pessimist – No matter what anyone says you are right there to spread the doom and gloom. You are easily offended by anything that is meant as a joke and you can instantly destroy a funny post or meme by taking it too literally. Lighten up. Life is just too damn short.

10. The Teenager – Let’s face it, you know it ALL. You post things that I find so offensive that I frequently check your page to spare my extended family the embarrassment. You just don’t get it, but I live in hope of the day when you finally do and we can interact and share ideas as adults. In the meantime, I’ll continue to police your page, correct your spelling and love you nonetheless.

Rant over.

Carry on.

Posted on April 19, 2017June 27, 2017 by mylifeiswear.com · 8 Comments

I’d Like To Check You For Ticks

Flea and tick season is officially upon us and reports claim that due to the mild winter and subsequent rain fall over the past month, this is going to be the worst year yet.

That’s bad news for pet owners and anyone who generally loves the outdoors.

This is also extremely bad for me.

Yes, I am the proud owner of a beautiful pure breed white schnauzer named Max and an adorable cat named Mitzi, who has a pink nose to match the pink pads on her feet.

And yes, I do love the great outdoors.

Yet, none of the above statements are the contributing factors to why I am dreading an active tick season this year.

My sons are going to absolutely kill me for divulging what I’m about to say, but what the hell, this is my blog, right?

I have managed to raise three boys who played in the dirt with worms, carried snakes around and have always feared little in this world with the exception of…

You guessed it, TICKS.

Okay, I get it. Who doesn’t hate ticks?

What’s the big deal?

Let me tell you just how far my son’s collective fear of ticks has gone.

One summer night, Marc spotted a tick in his bedroom and let out a blood curdling scream.

I rose from a deep sleep fearing for the worst.

I almost ran head on into Rocky and Kevin outside of Marc’s bedroom door.

As, I pushed his door open, I saw Marc standing on the bed in nothing but his underwear.

“Are you okay? Is everything alright?” I asked.

“Mom! There’s a tick!” Marc screamed.

Kevin and Rocky went straight into panic mode as the chaos began to heighten.

“A TICK? Where?” Kevin yelled

Rocky replied, “If we don’t find it, I am NOT sleeping here.”

“Good idea!” Marc said, “Let’s go to a hotel!”

“EVERYONE CALM DOWN!” I yelled, so I could have a minute to think.

“Okay,” I said calmly, “Where was the last place that you saw it?”

Marc replied, “Over there near the bathroom.”

We all began to search for the tiny insect that was standing between us and a good nights sleep.

“Are you positive that it was a tick Marc?” Kevin asked

“I am sure of it, Kev.” Marc replied

I glanced at the clock. 12:17 a.m.

I have to work in the morning, I thought.

“Okay, I don’t see any tick. Let’s all just go to bed.” I instructed

“Are you kidding me? Kevin bellowed, “There’s a tick in the house!”

Rocky chimed in, “Ya, this is totally gross. I better not end up with a tick on me. I don’t want to sleep here.”

“See Mom!” Marc cried, “We can’t just go back to bed and forget about it…we could all get Lyme Disease.”

I continued to look around the room for the tick, longing for my pillow and buying time for a way out of what seemed to be the beginning of a ludicrous all nighter.

Glancing at the clock again, (12:47 a.m.) I blurted out the first thing that came into my mind.

“Okay, shut Marc’s bedroom door. We’ll all sleep in the living room. Wait, I think I have some spray for ticks.”

My boys were a flurry of commotion….blankets, pillows and slamming bedroom doors.

I went straight to the cabinet under the sink and grabbed a bottle of Febreze, (1:29 a.m.).

“Are you sure that kills ticks, Mom?” Marc asked.

“Positive.” I replied. (Okay, I’m reaching here, but I like my sleep.)

We all settled in on the living room floor. (2:12 a.m.)

Surprisingly, after much talk about the dreaded ticks (3:00 a.m.), all three of my boys were fast asleep and I somehow managed to fall asleep myself.

Freezing and uncomfortable, I awoke to the strong smell of Febreze and the living room patio doors covered in condensation.

I got up and walked to the thermostat…the air conditioning was set to 40 degrees.

Kevin stirred and asked, “Mom, what are you doing?”

“Why is the air conditioning set for 40 degrees? I inquired, as I turned it off completely.

“I was trying to kill the tick.” Kevin replied.

The clock read 4:00 a.m. yet I was awake for the day.

I was still shivering and achy from the few hours of sleep that I managed to get on the living room floor.

I felt nauseous from the strong smell of Febreze in the air as I prepared my morning coffee.

Better make it extra strong…

This is going to be a long tick season…

And I better stock up on the Febreze.

In the spirit of the season: Brad Paisley, I’d Like To Check You For Ticks. Enjoy!

Now Oooohooo, you never know where one might be….