When I was pregnant with my first child I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. Breastfeeding is a personal decision. Still, friends, family and co-workers often express their opinions for or against your pronouncement. Research shows breastfeeding provides ideal nutrition, giving your baby the perfect amount of vitamins, fat and protein needed to grow.

Breast milk contains antibodies, helping your baby fight off bacteria and viruses, as well as, lowers your baby’s risk of developing allergies and asthma. Plus, babies who are breastfed exclusively have fewer respiratory illnesses, ear infections, and digestive problems including diarrhea. They also experience fewer trips to the doctor and hospitalizations. Being able to give all of these benefits to my child sounded great to me, and I was eager to get started breastfeeding after Kevin was born.

Thankfully, Kevin took to breastfeeding like a Champion.

Daily, my ex-husband would return from work to find me nursing Kevin. He would kiss each of us on the head and ask, “How was your day?”

“Fine.” I’d reply, “And yours?”

“Great!” My ex would excitedly state. “I stopped at Bob’s after work and ate dinner there.” (Bob was a coworker. My ex and Bob commuted daily, taking one vehicle, to save on gas.)

I asked, “What did you have?”

“Chicken Marsala.” He replied, “It was AMAZING! Candice is such a great cook… why can’t you cook like that?”

“Oh, I don’t know… because I spend most of my time nursing, pumping, changing diapers, cleaning, doing laundry and throwing together a quick meal,” I replied. “All on very little sleep. I’m exhausted.”

The following day was more of the same. My ex came home bragging about Candice’s lasagna.

The next day, her home-made mac & cheese.

The day after that her delectable country fried steak with white gravy and mashed potatoes.

And of course, her secret recipe, spaghetti sauce.

A week passed, as the list of Candice’s fabulous meals grew.

Like most new nursing mothers, I spent my time worrying if I was producing enough milk, storing enough and if my son was getting enough to eat. I had questions.

My ex made the suggestion that I have Candice over to give me some insight, after all, she was a mother of three children.

After some convincing, I reluctantly agreed. I’ll admit, I was a bit intimidated by “Candice the breastfeeding wonder and professional chef.”

Candice agreed to come over and give me a few breastfeeding tips.

The next day, I prepared a nice lunch and awaited Candice’s arrival.

Candice did give me some great breastfeeding tips.

  1. It’s normal for breastfeeding to hurt a bit in the beginning.
  2. Your nipples may crack.
  3. Lanolin cream is a great moisturizer for your nipples.
  4. Your breasts maybe be sore. A cabbage leaf in each side of your bra works wonders.
  5. Breastfeeding takes patience and a lot of practice.

I was appreciative for all of Candice’s help but I was about to find out her biggest breastfeeding tip of all!

As I cleared the kitchen table, Candice said, “I use my breast milk in all of my cooking.”

“Really?” I inquired. “What kind of meals do you cook using your own breast milk?”

Candice replied, “You know, all of my sauces, gravies, mashed potatoes, even my macaroni & cheese.”

I tried to hide the grin on my face and the fact that I couldn’t wait until my ex got home from work.

That night over dinner, my ex asked how my lunch with Candice had gone.

“It was great!” I replied, “I learned a lot about breastfeeding.”

“Like what?’ He asked.

“Well, mostly it’s normal to experience all of the things that I’m going through.” I said.

“Did you happen to get any cooking tips from her?” He asked with excitement in his voice.

I replied, “Actually, I did. In fact, Candice said that she uses her own breast milk in ALL of her recipes.”

My ex almost spit his dinner out on his plate.

“You’re kidding, right?” He asked.

“I’m being totally serious,” I stated. “All of her sauces, gravies, mashed potatoes, mac & cheese…”

My ex didn’t finish his dinner that night.

He also never complained about my cooking again.

I can still picture the look on his face when I think about that day and it always makes me laugh out loud.

Do you have any funny breastfeeding stories? Share them in the comments below.

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8 thoughts on “Breastfeeding Is NO joke! Or Is It?

  1. That is hilarious! I need to come up with the name of the author of “Charles” a short story that is so like you’re same sense of humor., That breast milk story has that same edge. You are great! Are you back at work? How is the knee doing? What is the prognosis?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was an unsuccessful breast feeder. Cracked bleeding nipples because no one told me I wasn’t supposed to let the kid munch on them from day one. Nonetheless, the kid managed to grow up huge anyway. Turns out, feeding generally works pretty well, no matter how you do it. Go figure, right?

    Liked by 1 person

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