In Spite of All the Rain

In Spite of All the Rain
 I left an abusive marriage.
I’m strong and I’m free.
Have to get on with my life,
figure out who I’m supposed to be.
Still I can’t help but notice,
that something’s not quite working.
I’m struggling to find myself,
a midst damage so deep, that it’s still lurking.
So accustomed to living in turmoil,
no time to focus on all the things I feel.
When they begin to surface,
they are as sharp, as they are real.
I never would have imagined,
that what you leave, is also what you take.
And all the good intention,
does not a perfect person make.
I’m well aware of my issues;
anger, guilt, low self-esteem.
Slowly, counseling is helping me,
release my inner scream.
Deep inside how do I justify,
all the degrading things that I’ve been told.
And compensate for so much lost time,
when I know I’m getting old.
So much hurt ingrained in me,
only I can work through the pain.
By looking for the rainbow,
in spite of all the rain.

Surrender

      Surrender
My children are angry,
they yell, cuss and fight.
Won’t respond to my reasoning,
say I’m wrong and they’re right.
They place blame on each other,
it’s an ongoing war.
From threatening to hitting,
to slamming their door.
Can’t get them to cooperate,
they won’t listen to me.
I’m living in chaos,
as stressed as can be.
When I try to discipline,
they don’t even hear it.
Disrespect and name calling,
I can no longer bear it!
The most heartbreaking thing,
the ironic part…
I left an abusive marriage,
to get a fresh start.
“Not doing my homework.”
“Can we go to the mall?”
“My parents have split,
nothing matters at all!”
I’m at my wits end,
what I’m doing isn’t working.
As I’m losing ground,
they’re standing there, smirking.
All the love I can give them,
won’t fix this mess.
Have to find a solution,
can’t settle for less.
I have an idea though seemingly, slight,
I’m giving up the battle,
done joining their plight.
Not sure how this happened,
through pure luck or exhaustion.
I take the first step,
proceeding with caution.
I’m all out of options.
I’m not gonna lie.
Nothing else has worked,
so I’ll give this a try.
I make a decision to change,
it’s all I can do.
Where this is leading,
I haven’t a clue.
The children are puzzled,
but continue to test.
My new calm demeanor,
puts some issues to rest.
Hey, maybe this is working,
and I’ll finally know,
if my parenting skills
are starting to flow.
And to my surprise,
the tide starts to turn.
With some wind in my sails,
I’m ready to learn.
I gradually start,
implementing a plan.
My confidence soars,
I’m my own biggest fan.
Although saving the children,
was my only intention.
the ways I helped myself,
are too many to mention.
In retrospect now,
it’s so easy to see.
To transform my children,
first I have to change me.