City Fish

The restaurant I work for gets their fish delivered fresh daily.

Everyday at 11:00 a.m. the phone rings.

Everyday, including Sunday, and they call at 11:00 a.m. like clockwork.

You can count on it.

I answer the restaurant line to hear a voice on the other end say, “City Fish!”

“Good morning, City Fish!” I reply.

“Just calling to see if you need anything today.” The voice on the other end of the line states.

“Hold on.” I say, as I walk into the restaurant’s kitchen with the phone to my ear.

“City Fish!” I announce. The chef stares at me as if the idea City Fish is calling to get our order comes as a shock to him.

The kitchen staff begins scrambling through the coolers and discussing what we may need to order.

I wait.

The man from City Fish waits.

To break up the dead air I say, “You know, maybe if you called at the same time everyday, we would be prepared for this.”

I hear him laugh into the phone.

Finally, we manage to get our order together and I am able to repeat it and hang up the phone.

The following morning at 11:00 a.m. the phone rings.

“City Fish!” I hear a voice say as I pick up the phone.

“Good Morning City Fish!” I reply, “Let me get to the kitchen.”

“Guys, City Fish!” I call out, as everyone stands like deer in headlights.

“One minute.” The chef states, as the usual conversation and commotion among the staff ensues.

“Okay, we’re working on it now.” I say with a laugh, “Do you like to fish?”

“Yes, I do.” Replies the man on the phone.

To kill some time I ask, ” Have you every heard Brad Paisley’s fishing song, “I’m Gonna Miss Her?”

In the background, the kitchen staff is flustered, talking and opening and closing cooler doors, trying to figure out our order.

I can do a pretty good southern drawl as I begin to sing into the phone…

Well I love her
And I love to fish
I spend all day out on this lake
And hell is all I catch
Today she met me at the door
Said I would have to choose
If I hit that fishin’ hole today
She’d be packin’ all her things
And she’d be gone by noon
Well I’m gonna miss her
When I get home
But right now I’m on this lake shore
And I’m sittin’ in the sun
I’m sure it’ll hit me
When I walk through that door tonight
That I’m gonna miss her
Oh, looky there, I’ve got a bite!
By the time I finish two verses, the guy from City Fish is laughing his ass off.
“Do you get sung to by all of your customers?” I ask.
“No, that was a first!” He replies, with a chuckle.
I give him our order and we end our call.
I know I’ll be ready to talk to him again tomorrow, at precisely 11:00 a.m.
As for the kitchen staff, well, I’m not so sure…
I’m guessing I may have to provide some more “Live” hold music.
And, you know what?
That’s okay.
Life is too short not to have fun!


I’d Like To Check You For Ticks

Flea and tick season is officially upon us and reports claim that due to the mild winter and subsequent rain fall over the past month, this is going to be the worst year yet.

That’s bad news for pet owners and anyone who generally loves the outdoors.

This is also extremely bad for me.

Yes, I am the proud owner of a beautiful pure breed white schnauzer named Max and an adorable cat named Mitzi, who has a pink nose to match the pink pads on her feet.

And yes, I do love the great outdoors.

Yet, none of the above statements are the contributing factors to why I am dreading an active tick season this year.

My sons are going to absolutely kill me for divulging what I’m about to say, but what the hell, this is my blog, right?

I have managed to raise three boys who played in the dirt with worms, carried snakes around and have always feared little in this world with the exception of…

You guessed it, TICKS.

Okay, I get it. Who doesn’t hate ticks?

What’s the big deal?

Let me tell you just how far my son’s collective fear of ticks has gone.

One summer night, Marc spotted a tick in his bedroom and let out a blood curdling scream.

I rose from a deep sleep fearing for the worst.

I almost ran head on into Rocky and Kevin outside of Marc’s bedroom door.

As, I pushed his door open, I saw Marc standing on the bed in nothing but his underwear.

“Are you okay? Is everything alright?” I asked.

“Mom! There’s a tick!” Marc screamed.

Kevin and Rocky went straight into panic mode as the chaos began to heighten.

“A TICK? Where?” Kevin yelled

Rocky replied, “If we don’t find it, I am NOT sleeping here.”

“Good idea!” Marc said, “Let’s go to a hotel!”

“EVERYONE CALM DOWN!” I yelled, so I could have a minute to think.

“Okay,” I said calmly, “Where was the last place that you saw it?”

Marc replied, “Over there near the bathroom.”

We all began to search for the tiny insect that was standing between us and a good nights sleep.

“Are you positive that it was a tick Marc?” Kevin asked

“I am sure of it, Kev.” Marc replied

I glanced at the clock. 12:17 a.m.

I have to work in the morning, I thought.

“Okay, I don’t see any tick. Let’s all just go to bed.” I instructed

“Are you kidding me? Kevin bellowed, “There’s a tick in the house!”

Rocky chimed in, “Ya, this is totally gross. I better not end up with a tick on me. I don’t want to sleep here.”

“See Mom!” Marc cried, “We can’t just go back to bed and forget about it…we could all get Lyme Disease.”

I continued to look around the room for the tick, longing for my pillow and buying time for a way out of what seemed to be the beginning of a ludicrous all nighter.

Glancing at the clock again, (12:47 a.m.) I blurted out the first thing that came into my mind.

“Okay, shut Marc’s bedroom door. We’ll all sleep in the living room. Wait, I think I have some spray for ticks.”

My boys were a flurry of commotion….blankets, pillows and slamming bedroom doors.

I went straight to the cabinet under the sink and grabbed a bottle of Febreze, (1:29 a.m.).

“Are you sure that kills ticks, Mom?” Marc asked.

“Positive.” I replied. (Okay, I’m reaching here, but I like my sleep.)

We all settled in on the living room floor. (2:12 a.m.)

Surprisingly, after much talk about the dreaded ticks (3:00 a.m.), all three of my boys were fast asleep and I somehow managed to fall asleep myself.

Freezing and uncomfortable, I awoke to the strong smell of Febreze and the living room patio doors covered in condensation.

I got up and walked to the thermostat…the air conditioning was set to 40 degrees.

Kevin stirred and asked, “Mom, what are you doing?”

“Why is the air conditioning set for 40 degrees? I inquired, as I turned it off completely.

“I was trying to kill the tick.” Kevin replied.

The clock read 4:00 a.m. yet I was awake for the day.

I was still shivering and achy from the few hours of sleep that I managed to get on the living room floor.

I felt nauseous from the strong smell of Febreze in the air as I prepared my morning coffee.

Better make it extra strong…

This is going to be a long tick season…

And I better stock up on the Febreze.

In the spirit of the season: Brad Paisley, I’d Like To Check You For Ticks. Enjoy!

Now Oooohooo, you never know where one might be….