I’ve Been Nominated for Humor Writer Of The Month!(Please Read, LIKE And Share From The Erma Site… I Mean, Help A girl Out.” Thanks In Advance!)

I am so shocked and excited to be nominated for “Humor Writer Of The Month” on Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop! If you’re too young to know who Erma Bombeck is, please Google her, she is a legend! I promise that she will make you laugh!

I’m not sure how you actually win this title but I’m calling on all my family, cousins (I’m Irish Catholic on my father’s side, so I have a lot of cousins) and friends. Please click on the link below, read, LIKE and share from the Erma site so I get credit.

Here’s the link:

http://humorwriters.org/2017/07/31/id-like-check-ticks/

Many thanks and much love,

Erin Cooper Reed ūüôā

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DO NOT Call Me At Work Unless It’s An EMERGENCY

If there is one thing that I’ve instilled in all three of my children, it is the importance of not disrupting me at work, unless it is an emergency.

That being said, when I see one of their numbers come up on my cell phone, I’m struck with panic.

Oh God, I hope everything is okay!

“Mom.”

“Yes, Rocky?” I ask in a concerned voice, “Is everything all right?”

“No, everything is not all right! Marc traded my favorite sneakers to a kid up the street for a trash bag full of soda can returnables… my FAVORITE SNEAKERS!”

What? Okay, I’m at work right now. I’ll figure it out when I get home.” I reply.

“I hope so, if not I’m going to kill him!” Rocky yells before hanging up the phone.

 

Cell phone vibrates. Ugh, not again.

 

“Mom.”

“Yes, Kevin. What is it? I told you kids not to call me at work unless it’s an emergency.”

“Rocky and Marc are fighting. Is there any way you can lend me ten dollars or drive me to GameStop to sell some video games?” Kevin asks.

“Kev, I’m trying to work right now. Please make sure that your brothers aren’t fighting. I have to go.”

“Wait Mom, what time do you get out?”

 

Cell phone vibrates. You have got to be kidding me!

 

“Hello. Make it quick!”

 

“Mom… wait, wait, wait… don’t hang up.” I hear Marc say into the phone. “Rocky hit me! Is there anyway that you can take me to the store to return some soda cans?”

 

Tonight I’m having all of them Google the word “Emergency.

I don’t think the Google search will reveal anything to do with sneakers, soda cans or video games… but I’ll have them check anyway, just to be sure.

 

My life, I swear…

 

 

 

I Must Be Living Under A Rock: The Cost Of Prom Season

Well, it’s official!

Kevin is taking his girlfriend to her prom in Long Island.

I think that I’m more excited about it than he is. Kevin always keeps a calm, low-key demeanor about most anything exciting that is happening in his life… that’s just how he is and where I pick up the slack.

He is also the king of leaving everything for the last-minute, which always seems to include a lot of running around for all of us.

After a long weekend of doubles,which also included driving around with an 80 pound pig, (see that post for details) I found myself driving Kevin to Men’s Wearhouse to pick out a tux, with only days to spare before the prom.

I was shocked to discover that renting a tuxedo starts at two hundred and fifty dollars. Holy shit! Have I been living under a rock?

Maybe I have or I just haven’t ever had the need to rent a tuxedo or to date a man who wears one, for that matter…

Anyway, after style, color selections and much measuring, we had finally narrowed it down to a black tux with a single button jacket and pink accents to match Kevin’s girlfriend Anna’s pink gown.

“Do you want to wear a cummerbund?” Devin (our sales clerk asked).

“What’s a cummerbund?” Kevin asked, as if he had never heard the word before, while confirming that he most definitely hadn’t.

“A cummerbund goes around your waist.” I stated, “Why don’t you just go with the vest?”

“They call it a crumb catcher.” Devin added.

“I won’t need that.” Kevin replied, with a serious expression.

Devin and I both laughed. I admit I was feeling quite giddy about the whole prom thing and seeing my son in his first tux.

“Mom, can you calm it down a bit.” Kevin suggested, as if my excited mood was embarrassing him.

“Would you like argyle socks?” The sales clerk inquired, “They’re twenty dollars extra.”

“Twenty dollars for a pair of socks?” I laughed, “You’ve got to be kidding me! No, No…we don’t need argyle socks.”

The clerk handed Kevin a shirt, stock tuxedo and a pair of shoes to try on as he pointed him towards the dressing room.

Devin and I talked, joked and exchanged stories while we waited for Kevin to get changed.

Devin walked to the dressing room door and passed something over to Kevin.

“What’s this for?” Kevin shouted out.

“It’s to put on when you try on the dress shoes.” Devin replied.

“What?” Kevin said.

“Kevin, it’s a ped. You know, what you put on your foot to try on shoes… remember you and your brothers pulled them over your faces in Payless Shoes when you were little… you looked like you were going to rob the place…”

Devin was cracking up.

“Mom, can you take it down a notch, please.” Kevin yelled from the dressing room.

When the door finally opened and I saw Kevin in his tux, I couldn’t believe the handsome man who stood before me.

“Kevin, you look gorgeous!” I said with tears in my eyes, “The next time we’ll be doing this there’ll be wedding bells.”

“Mom, please don’t start crying.” Kevin pleaded.

Before finalizing our transaction Devin gave us a thirty dollar discount on the rental.

I paid for the tux (minus the argyle socks). Devin printed our receipt and explained the pick up and return instructions.

We had just enough time to get Kevin to work and I was quite pleased with all we had manged to accomplish in a short time.

As I pulled up in front¬†of Kevin’s place of employment and put the car into park, Kevin leaned over and gave me a tight hug.

“Thank you Mom for paying for my tux. I love you so much.”

“I love you too Kevin. It was my pleasure. You and Anna are going to look beautiful!”

As, I watched Kevin walk into work, I thought, two hundred and fifty dollars isn’t expensive for a tux… in fact, it’s worth every penny.

 

 

 

 

 

Ode to Taylor Swift

It started out as a joke.

“Mom could I just stay home from school today?” Rocky asked.

“No.” I replied.

“Why not? Just this once?” Rocky begged.

And this is what came out of my mouth, “In the words of Taylor Swift, cuz you don’t know what you don’t know!”

“What?” Rocky bellowed, “Don’t quote Taylor Swift.”

I laughed.

I have also found that there are plenty of situations that I could bestow some of Taylor Swift’s powerful insights into life onto my growing boys…ya know, seeing that it was so well received.

Like the time that Kevin was teasing Marc…

“Mom tell Kevin to cut it out!” Marc demanded.

I quickly replied

Lyric Quotes From Songs | Ours | Quotes and Song lyrics:

Kevin stopped harassing Marc and said, “Mom, stop quoting Taylor Swift.”

“Yeah mom, it’s so annoying.” Marc chimed in.

Through the years it has become a joke in our house. The boys say something. I reply with a quote from Taylor Swift, met with an eye roll, a sigh, some laughter and an in unison demand…

“MOM, STOP QUOTING TAYLOR SWIFT!”¬†

I mean, I would but there are so many song lyrics that seem to fit any occasion.

I would boys, I really would, but…

Image result for images taylor swift song lyrics quotes darling I'm a nightmare

Love you,

Mom

I’d Like To Check You For Ticks

Flea and tick season is officially upon us and reports claim that due to the mild winter and subsequent rain fall over the past month, this is going to be the worst year yet.

That’s bad news for pet owners and anyone who generally loves the outdoors.

This is also extremely bad for me.

Yes, I am the proud owner of a beautiful pure breed white schnauzer named Max and an adorable cat named Mitzi, who has a pink nose to match the pink pads on her feet.

And yes, I do love the great outdoors.

Yet, none of the above statements are the contributing factors to why I am dreading an active tick season this year.

My sons are going to absolutely kill me for divulging¬†what I’m about to say, but what the hell, this is my blog, right?

I have managed to raise three boys who played in the dirt with worms, carried snakes around and have always feared little in this world with the exception of…

You guessed it, TICKS.

Okay, I get it. Who doesn’t hate ticks?

What’s the big deal?

Let me tell you just how far my son’s collective fear of ticks has gone.

One summer night, Marc spotted a tick in his bedroom and let out a blood curdling scream.

I rose from a deep sleep fearing for the worst.

I almost ran head on into Rocky and Kevin outside of Marc’s bedroom door.

As, I pushed his door open, I saw Marc standing on the bed in nothing but his underwear.

“Are you okay? Is everything alright?” I asked.

“Mom! There’s a tick!” Marc screamed.

Kevin and Rocky went straight into panic mode as the chaos began to heighten.

“A TICK? Where?” Kevin yelled

Rocky replied, “If we don’t find it, I am NOT sleeping here.”

“Good idea!” Marc said, “Let’s go to a hotel!”

“EVERYONE CALM DOWN!” I yelled, so I could have a minute to think.

“Okay,” I said calmly, “Where was the last place that you saw it?”

Marc replied, “Over there near the bathroom.”

We all began to search for the tiny insect that was standing between us and a good nights sleep.

“Are you positive that it was a tick Marc?” Kevin asked

“I am sure of it, Kev.” Marc replied

I glanced at the clock. 12:17 a.m.

I have to work in the morning, I thought.

“Okay, I don’t see any tick. Let’s all just go to bed.” I instructed

“Are you kidding me? Kevin bellowed, “There’s a tick in the house!”

Rocky chimed in, “Ya, this is totally gross. I better not end up with a tick on me. I don’t want to sleep here.”

“See Mom!” Marc cried, “We can’t just go back to bed and forget about it…we could all get Lyme Disease.”

I continued to look around the room for the tick, longing for my pillow and buying time for a way out of what seemed to be the beginning of a ludicrous all nighter.

Glancing at the clock again, (12:47 a.m.) I blurted out the first thing that came into my mind.

“Okay, shut Marc’s bedroom door. We’ll all sleep in the living room. Wait, I think I have some spray for ticks.”

My boys were a flurry of commotion….blankets, pillows and slamming bedroom doors.

I went straight to the cabinet under the sink and grabbed a bottle of Febreze, (1:29 a.m.).

“Are you sure that kills ticks, Mom?” Marc asked.

“Positive.” I replied. (Okay, I’m reaching here, but I like my sleep.)

We all settled in on the living room floor. (2:12 a.m.)

Surprisingly, after much talk about the dreaded ticks (3:00 a.m.), all three of my boys were fast asleep and I somehow managed to fall asleep myself.

Freezing and uncomfortable, I awoke to the strong smell of Febreze and the living room patio doors covered in condensation.

I got up and walked to the thermostat…the air conditioning was set to 40 degrees.

Kevin stirred and asked, “Mom, what are you doing?”

“Why is the air conditioning set for 40 degrees? I inquired, as I turned it off completely.

“I was trying to kill the tick.” Kevin replied.

The clock read 4:00 a.m. yet I was awake for the day.

I was still shivering and achy from the few hours of sleep that I managed to get on the living room floor.

I felt nauseous from the strong smell of Febreze in the air as I prepared my morning coffee.

Better make it extra strong…

This is going to be a long tick season…

And I better stock up on the Febreze.

In the spirit of the season: Brad Paisley, I’d Like To Check You For Ticks. Enjoy!

Now Oooohooo, you never know where one might be….

Moms Say the Darnest Things!

As moms we try to set the best example and say the right thing when raising our children. We have the best intentions, but sometimes lack of sleep, set of circumstances or just the plain old stress of parenting gets the best of us.

Have you been there?

With three boys, I certainly have.

Being a mom has given me the opportunity to put together sentences that I could never in a lifetime fathom that I would speak.

Example:

Ring.

Me: “Hello.”

Mom: “Hi, honey! How is everything going over there?”

Me: ” Okay. What’s new with you? CAN YOU BOYS BE QUIET? I’M ON THE PHONE! Sorry, Mom.”

Mom: “Well, today on Doctor Phil, he had this couple on, you wouldn’t have believed it…”

(COMMOTION AND NOISE IN THE BACKGROUND)

Man chases cat with spatula

Me: ” Wait would you hold on a minute mom, GET THAT SPATULA AWAY FROM THE CAT! Okay, sorry mom, you were saying?”

Mom: “Never mind honey, maybe I should let you go…”

Me: “Okay Mom. I’ll call you back.”

 

Having three boys in the back seat of the car while you are driving always makes for warm memories and insightful conversation…

Marc (to Rocky): “Stop touching me with your knee!”

Rocky: “Am not! Stop touching me with your knee!”

Marc: “Are so. Stop it.”

Kevin: “You guys are breathing on me.”

Rocky: “I’m not breathing on you, Marc is!”

Marc: “Uh-Uh, Rocky, you’re breathing on him!”

Image result for images of three kids in car arguing

Rocky: “Am not! You are!”

Kevin: “You’re both breathing on me…and you’re too close Rocky, stop touching me!”

Me: “OKAY, EVERYONE JUST STOP TOUCHING EACH¬†OTHER! AND STOP BREATHING!!

 

Notably not the best advice…but somehow it worked. Well, the kids didn’t stop breathing (Thank God) but I did put an end to the “Touching – Breathing war.”

 

My mom has always been a class act. She is no longer surprised, or even shocked by my kids, my elevated voice or the bizarre things the come out of my mouth, although she didn’t handle things in the same manner when I was growing up.

 

One day, my mom was on the phone with a friend when an argument between my sister and I broke out in the livingroom. This was back in the day when you were chained to the kitchen phone by a short phone cord.

I can’t remember what it was that my sister and I were arguing about, but I can remember the scene like it was yesterday. As our voices heightened, my mother didn’t change her expression, pause the conversation or even let on that there was a situation arising in her home.

My mother just continued talking and reached for the nearest available item. She picked it up with one hand without skipping a beat.

She leaned into the hallway where she had a clear shot into the living room. When I glanced over, all I could see was her arm above her head spinning like she had a lasso.

I had no idea what she was holding, yet she continued her conversation with a smile.

The argument with my sister resumed and our voices got even louder.

To both of our surprise, my sister and I simultaneously got hit in the head by a flying object.

Image result for images bag of Wonderbread being thrown

We were immediately silenced as we stared at the loaf of Wonderbread at our feet, realizing what it was that hit us. (Damn, my mother is a good shot!)

Then, as girls often do, we broke out into laughter.

I could no longer remember what I was so upset about and I doubt that my sister could either.

Funny thinking of this now and considering my current style of parenting…

I could certainly save myself a ton of ridiculous sentences and a hoarse voice, with a trip to the bakery and a round of Lasso Lessons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Is It So Dark?

These days, I’m mostly resting in bed with a book or a computer on my lap. I tore a ligament in my knee eleven days ago and this has become my new norm. My boys come in and out of my bedroom often, with questions or just to see how I’m doing.

And, yes they yell “Mom!” from the bottom of the stairs that lead to the third floor¬†when they want to ask me something but they’re too lazy to make the trek.

My son, Kevin is here for a visit from Long Island. I am always happy to see him, but this ultimately leads to late nights for all of my boys.

Last night was one of those nights.

Today when my fifteen year old son, Marc returned from school, he was so tired that he went straight to bed. Kevin and Rocky went out and John went to visit his mother after he had finished preparing dinner.

Finally, peace and quiet.

I read for a while then decided to take a short nap.

I awoke to the sounds of the shower running. It is not abnormal for my boys to shower at whatever time of the day or night that the desire hits them.

I glanced at the clock, 7:00 PM.

I picked up my book and started to read, then paused as I saw Marc pass by in the hallway and disappear into his bedroom.

 

I went back to my book.

 

A few minutes later I saw Marc exit his bedroom, fully dressed and then I heard his sneakered footsteps going down the stairs. I called out to him, “Marc where are you going?”

No reply.

There were some banging sounds coming from the kitchen below. Then Marc yelled up, “Mom, there is chicken and rice on the stove but where is the low carb chicken that John said he would make for me?”

 

(Note: My three boys are constantly pairing workouts with all sorts of different diets and it’s enough to drive anyone who does the grocery shopping and the cooking right over the edge. This week Marc is going to the gym and eating a low carb diet…translation, there will be no protein left in the house for anyone else.)

 

“Marc, I can’t go down the stairs. You’re going to have to look around and find the separate meal that John made for you.” I yelled loudly, so that Marc could hear me.

Five minutes later Marc was back in my room. “I can’t find it. Can you Google how many carbs there are in rice?”

I grabbed my phone.

“Forty-six grams.” I stated

Marc replied, “Can’t have that.” and went back downstairs.

 

(Sigh. Insert eye roll here.) Back to my book.

 

Then, from the floor below, “Mom, Can you call John and ask him where he put my chicken?”

God forbid this kid ingests a piece of rice. I sent John a text about the location of Marc’s chicken. He immediately replied.

 

“Marc,” I yelled, “Your grilled chicken with a side of vegetables is in the oven.” (I know, who would have thought to look there.)

 

Time to reread the same sentence in this book that I read four times before.

 

Some time passed before Marc was back in my room. I assumed he was downstairs eating his dinner.

I asked, “So, how was your chicken?”

“I packed it.” Marc stated

Image result for image of a hand lunch bag

Before I could ask why he packed his dinner, Marc stared out the window, looking confused. It was then that I noticed that he was wearing a lightweight jacket.

“Mom, why is it so dark?” Marc asked

“What do you mean, why is it so dark? It’s 7:45 PM.” I said

“It is? I just got up and got ready for school. Didn’t you hear me in the shower? And, I packed my own lunch.” Marc said

“Well, if it was twelve hours from now, you actually would have made the bus!” I laughed

Marc sighed and walked out of the room. I guess he didn’t find it as amusing as I did. Let’s see if he can make the bus on time tomorrow…

 

My life, I swear…